I have moved to Livejournal. Mainly because on Xanga other people have to be members to post comments/feedback. I have been a loyal member of Xanga. You were simple to use but that is really the only reason why I am leaving; the comments/feedback thing.
Validation and approval. are they the same thing? Validation; finding or testing the truth of something. Approval; a message expressing a favourable opinion. Hmmm. The definitions are not clear to me. I can't figure out what I'm trying to say about this. It might be me thinking I kept wanting approval or validation from other people when I was at the ripe age of 9. Who knows. I wanted to fit in? I did everything I could look 'okay' in others eyes or I acted a certain way to not feel like an outcast. I didn't feel like myself so that wore off after a while and I just didn't give a shit anymore and become more like 'myself.'
I don't like being around like minded people. I like people to disagree with me and then give me a different perspective. And maybe they'll be the same. Except they have to be able to back things up. Like, it has to be reasonable. Arguing with my family is not what I mean. The debates are horrible.
Sometimes I can't express myself. Maybe in my body language but that doesn't really tell the whole story. I mean I guess you can look in my eyes but that really depends on the person. I can express it in my music but that's not enough. In my writing, everything jumps all over the place. Maybe through dance but listen to the music and the body movement.
Sometimes I wonder why people make vlogs. I do them to make fun of other people that make vlogs. Actually I have not loaded one up yet. People just talk about things that happen almost everyday or things that we don't get/we had to be there to understand. What is the point of that? I guess they are funny sometimes. I guess they want to be interweb famous.
At what point does a person start to feel old? Maybe for females when they're like 20. I don't know. That's what I hear...or when they have children. What the fuck? Stop having children then. Wrinkle lines? Laugh lines? You people are ridiculous. What about males? I don't know, I never heard them talk about feeling old except for two years after high school and they were talking to some sophomore in high school and said "I feel old" but I don't they meant it in that way. Run on sentence? I'll just wait until i'm 40 and I'll be saying the words "I'm still younnnnnnnng" haha. I'm just saying that now.
So used to winning. Using people is the way to do that. What are dreams? What are ambitions? What did you learn in school? What did they teach you? That institution of yours. Did you forget what they taught you? What did you peers shape you to be like or learn about? Backstabbing. Lying. Using. Betraying. The kind of person you could be. Your alter ego. What was your title? What was your reputation? Did it really matter that much? What were you in public and what were you like when you were back at home? Why do people think that if you do something bad you can move far away and that would make you become a 'better' person? What is starting 'fresh'? Honestly, I don't think that really does anything. You are going to go back into your cycle again. Who knows.
Everything is "i want" or "i need." Whether it is an object/material like clothes, house, car, etc. Or something of someone else their hair, skin, eyes, etc. This is why everyone hates themselves. They want and need things that they can't have...well they can like the clothes and stuff. You can get that shit with money and your life. Well yeah you can get the hair you want and other things with surgery. You're the next best thing. The brightest crayon on the box. What I want is....I don't know. I don't really want or need anything.
Watching "Dating In The Dark" is quite funny and interesting. ah, is true love blind? hahah. Social experiments are fun. What else? Those god damn Bachelors/Bachelorette shows..."More to Love" hahah what a shame. If you have seen it, oh god. One by one the bigger girls kept getting cut. The last couple of girls were not even that big. It shows what people really want. What a fucking shame.
The day after Christmas. I wonder how many people are smart enough to stay home and go the next couple of days to return things. Hahah. Everything will be a mess today. Asethetically pleasing. Humans. Almost like black friday. Insanity. Hilarious. Oh please dance on your head. Dance on your head. Have someone do a tap dance on your face.
Dry hands. Cracked lips. Thin hair. Your crooked and yellow teeth. Your beauty is gone now.
Drugs will give you a new perspective on things but nothing else. Please don't turn to them for other things. Don't use things that will fuck with you as a crutch. Eating away at your brain.
Price on things. priceless. When exactly is something priceless? What is this value? Why are things priced this way? The quality? What are things you can't put a price on?
I just found hair in my ice cream. this is miserable.
My parents think I'm trying to piss them off on purpose. No I am definitely not. I'm just doing my own thing. It is already like I don't exist around here anyway. They come home they go to bed. When I'm sleeping they're at work. I wash the dishes. I wash the laundry. Whatever. I'm at school they're not home, I come home from school they're sleeping or either at work. How dare you say that I am never home? Our schedules are just different. If I wanted to piss my parents off I would just party all the time, drink all the time, drop out of school (probably middle school. hahah), do drugs, sell drugs, steal, cause problems at home, have people that hate me break into my house, have sex with a million guys, be a burn out, get STDs and get pregnant with 234987238947 guys and not know who the father is.
The reason why I didn't date was because my luck is a lost key. haha Okay I'm just kidding. The "luck is a lost key" is from a Emily Haines song. I think the reasons were; my confidence/self esteem - seems like guys would only go after people with low self esteem? I don't know. Because they're easier? No, not me. Maybe I just don't know. It's just what I think. The other, I would rather be doing my own thing. I'm not down to get hurt and being 'young' and in love. I think all this middle school/high school love thing is all bullshit. Well I don't know I guess you date for experience...but I didn't because I knew I didn't want to get hurt. Next, most guys are whores...hah okay so 'whore' probably isn't the word to use. Middle school and high school is a social time. You meet new people all the time...so what? I've heard plenty of "I dated because I didn't want to be single at that time" Oh come on, what is up with that? Rude. I've had my experience with hanging out with guys and it seems like everytime we get 'close' (about to date) something seems to happen. I feel like guys put a time limit on me; they see who I really am and change their minds, they set me up as a rebound, I am only suppose to be there for them at a certain time, I am a good listener, or that I gave them great advice the time being. Most of the time they just wanted to take my virginity. fuck you. What do I look like to you? How dare you hold my hand and do 'cute' things with me and then say fuck you after another girl comes along? Someone more attractive than me in my eyes but probably wouldn't have much to do. I probably shouldn't say that, they are probably a awesome person. At least it seems that way. Everyone thought I was a 'good luck charm' because anytime a guy would hold hands with me they would get a girlfriend within the next 3 days. I don't understand. It's dead now haha. Also, I am not okay with hurting other people or being labeled as their 'fist love' that is ridiculous. I don't want to be a bad ex. Like, if they brought me up in a conversation I don't want to be known as the bitchy girlfriend that sucked that life out of them. Please. I'd rather shoot myself than have someone talk bad about me. Attraction in middle school and high school is all about being infatuated about looks. I always make references to middle school and high school because that is when we were all immature, learning, observing and still don't know who we were. I don't know if that is still someting we still struggle with...yes probably. Just infatuated with the way the opposite sex looks. And getting into the other's pants. awesome. Oh, and using me to get to my friends or to get some reward for themselves. What do you feel like you can gain from me? No one deserves anything from me if they treat me like that. What's up with people giving other people 'chances?' People don't even ask for them if they make a mistake. They kind of just give themselves other chances. I am not a jerk. I don't believe in chances. I don't believe in what goes around comes around. I don't believe in making people feel inferior or some underdog. Please learn that you don't have to be head over heels to like someone, things should be natural and not forced. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe that is how you know. I guess if you feel like you have to try to get something out of it, it just won't work.
Some people are just so strong. I love them. I love Jessica and Jessica's mom. They are amazing. I am so glad I know them. They may be Christian but they are very understanding. I don't think i will ever meet anyone like them. Both loving. They have some family and money problems and i wish I could help but I don't know how I can. I would be devastated if I lost either of them.
I need a dictionary. I need to expand my vocabulary. So then I'll sound smart or something. I need to stop cussing. I need to figure out what I am thinking.
My mind is going to explode. Too many questions. Simple questions. Things that don't make sense! Common sense party! Passive aggression. Passive attraction. Passive attention. Unorganized brain of mine. My brainwaves are a nice visualization.
Stayed up with Paullin until 3 AM. This is what happens when she comes over, we stay up way to late and keep doing this "are you asleep yet?" No one is awake yet. I'm always the first one to be awake. Paullin and I took pictures and videos. I'll edit them today or something. hahah. I tried to teach her how to play guitar. It is pretty funny but she is getting by. Not bad. She is determined. We read "TEH THREAD" not a bad script by Will. I can relate. Well not really, its exaggerated I suppose. I don't know. Nerddddddddd. We'll turn it into a musical. Paullin did great voices when she was reading. hahah.
Last night, I had a dream where dictionaries were being burned like bibles or something. Dictionaries in all languages. Everyone had to make up new worlds. Oh god, these words feel so good in my mouth. The written and spoken language is not real. Actually in the dream there was really no living things. It wasn't really populated. The ground you walked on was....silly putty like? So I guess you better move fast other wise you would sink. Oh wait, I guess quicksand is a better description.
'Normal' people want to be 'exciting' maybe have something fucked up happen to them. and fucked up people want to be normal. Everyone has a little secret. Big dreams.
Life; how much can you get out of it? More than the value it should be? Always recieving and never giving or always giving and never recieving. Its never fair.
Materialism on the day of Christmas. I don't know if people like it more when people make them gifts or buy them gifts. I guess it's half and half. I personally don't like it when people spend money on me. I don't like gifts that much. Sure it's awesome but that is not what would make me appreciate you more. I don't care for flowers. I don't care for clothes. I don't care for cash. We spend all this money on people but for what? I notice people are always like "I can't wait til you see what I got you!!" damn it. what is that suppose to mean? Am I suppose to go out spending more than I should on you? Love and spit with my baked goods and my knitting. Hope its good enough for you. On holidays I feel like it is an excuse to spend time with family. I guess its a bit like how american's set aside exercise...like if you have extra time to exercise then you do it....its not built into your lifestyle. You know what I mean? Don't spend enough time with your own family so holidays are the time to 'catch up' with people you've been familiar with since the day you were born.
What's the word? "Excentric"? "Incentric?" I can't remember. I googled. No help.
I feel sorry ('sorry' isn't the right word for it. damn the english language) for anyone who thinks marriage is part of life. sometimes society changes or maybe you're just not made to last? I really don't want to bring someone into this life and have to go through what I am going through now. Sure, I wish I could find love - everyone does but I'll never take it any step further. This is just what I think now as a 21 year old. If I hear another say having children will bring 'joy' into your life, I think you are insane. Please make more money so you can support yourself then bring someone into your life. No need to overpopulate the world. The 'joy' will last for a while. The child will soon learn to make its own decision. Oh what the hell am I saying?
Some old notes from Women's Studies Spring '09 Androcentrism - putting men at the center and relegating women to outsiders in society. The personal is political - 'broad' social implication. Patriarchy - system where men dominate because power and authority are int he hands of adult men. Feminism - eliminate inequality, justice, struggles, achievements. (We do not eat men for breakfast). Belief in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. Claiming - to take as the rightful ownder; to assert in the face of possible contradiction. Recieving - come into posession of; to act as receptable or container for - accept as authorative or true. Prefeminist - being cute trumps being smart in social environment. Gender is constructed in connection to other differences among women like race, ethnicity, and class. Sexism as a system of oppression is related to other systems of inequality and privilege. Gender is understood as the social organization of sexual differences. Society shapes notions of feminity and masulinity through the subtle interactions between nature and nuture. Biology; male/female. Culture; feminine/masculine. Gender feminine/masculine (appearance). Sex female/male (anatomy) Myth; women already have equality. Well neither do men. Reality of women's lives; Violence - sexual assault, rape, sex terrorism, Poverty - chances you are a woman (or child), Unequal access to health care, education, employment, Limited political representation, Destructive images and media messages If we don't follow the norms - sanctioned, punishment, discipline, coerced, forced, harmed, killed. (Not just women. Men as well.) think about it - if a female acts 'competitive' or 'manly' you will be looked at a different way like you are not okay. If you are a male and you act feminine - people will treat you like you should not even exist in society. Different cultures whose norms or cultural expectations prescribe different ways of acting as women and different. Sanctions if these norms are broken. In the US, differences are illustrated by the material conditions of our lives, values, cultures, behavioral practices, and legal structures of the communities in which we live. Mythical norm - white, middle class, heterosexual, able, thin, young adult. Whites are racialized and men are gendered. Meanings associated with differences are socially constructed - this would not be a problem if not created against mythical norm. Systems of power, privilege, dominance, and inequality; based upon real or percieved differences among people, maintained by coercion, force and hate crimes. Outside the norm deal with inequality; pass or stay in closet, accept tokenizing, struggle not to internalize those attitudes, self segregate, denigrate other marginalized groups or own (horizontal hostility), claim identity, become activist. Privilege is invisible - take it for granted. inequality forces those outside the norm to question and mistrust themselves - "measure up" Special advantages people have by virtue of their status or position in society. Usually go unnoticed and are taken for granted and they are unearned. Disadvantage is easier to recognize than privilege. Easy to grant that others are disadvantaged, it can be most difficult to admit being privileged. When prejudices are internalized, we incorporate them into our thoughts and behaviors; use them to police ourselves, use them to police others in our group, behaviors encourages compliance with institutions that oppress. Horizontal hostility - redirect the resentment and anger we have about our situation onto those who are of equal or lesser status. "American" has been and is used as; code for white, middle class, heterosexual, able bodied, thin, male, young adult, Christian. Absence of discrimination is not a privilege. Compulsory heterosexuality - everyone should be heterosexual and have relationships with opposite sex. The old bootstraps theory; economic success is the result of hard work/ambition, most well known theory in America, says poor people must not be motivated enough, work hard enough, smart enough, etc., blames poor for their poverty instead of understanding how systems of privilege and inequality work. Common ideologies; you can make it if you try, hard work will equal success, from rags to riches, all men are created equal, liberty and justice for all, one nation under God, land of the free, home of the brave, American - melting pot, American dream, rights guaranteed under law, America is a mertocracy.
This is rather old; "I caught my own reflection. I was disgusted with who I was. I realized what I was, I was not beautiful. My reflection in the long bathroom mirror. It felt like I was looking into my own eyes and I was YOU. A monster hiding deep inside and only I could see. Hunched over to hide my imperfections. Cover the mirrors. Your ribcage is showing. Concave stomach. Painful looking shoulders. A weak body. Ignore the signals and the warnings. Turn on the facuet to drown the sound. Your swollen feet can barely hold you up. You are a dangerous girl. Disgusted and disturbed. You laugh because you know that inside it will all be over soon. You spend more hours in the bathroom looking int he mirror more than anything."
yesterday I went through my old journal entries and deleted most of it. I probably shouldn't have but most of them were pretty pointless. Reading them made me feel like a dumbass/really immature. A lot of the problems that I write about is always reoccurring. I don't know why but I guess that's just the way it is. It just repeats all the time. Insanity, complaining, depressed, being immature, worthless entries, etc. Tunnel vision on life. So, if you're looking for my older journal entries they are gone. I'm sorry. I'm deleting my life haha.
What exactly does it mean when someone "balance" them out? Do you feel like you are at my level of intelligence? I hope not. Or was it meant to be a compliment? I guess it's nice to balance each other out but what are you balancing out?
I don't know what is going on in my head. Sometimes it just feels blank and other times its 'thinking.' thinking about things that don't really matter or things that shouldn't matter. Its not like I think about how my hair should be or what I should wear the next day. I don't know how I figure things out. Blank. Mindless. Unconscious. I wonder how I get my school work done too. Like, when people usually read the text they relate/engage/absorb themselves into the information but I don't know how I do it. Agh. Maybe I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my memory or something. My mind is somewhere else? Wouldn't it be fucking insane if I could read minds? Yeah, it would be insanity. I would kill myself. But what is the point in reading minds anyway? You can usually already tell just by looking at a person. right?
I don't know what life is about. Is it just suppose to be some rollercoaster? A math equation that never turns out right? I feel like people only care about themselves, but others say that people care too much about others and that they should care more about themselves. I don't see it that way. People are too selfish. They DO care about themselves more than others. I don't mean everyone though. I always feel like people are here to get what they want and then turn their backs on you. life is all about bartering/ trading. I would never do that to someone. I would never use someone. I don't use someone as "backup." I suppose I am a hypocrite and I'm sure I've done it before without knowing. People just never tell me things so I never know - if you dont like what I did why didn't you tell me? It's not like I can fix it, what I did is already done I guess, but if you tell me maybe we can work something out. This seems so unorganized but in a way I do feel like I only care about myself but I care too much about what people feel about me? Like if I leave a bad impression on them. I don't know this doesn't make sense. What do you want out of this relationship? What do you need out of this relationship? What can I offer? I don't know what I ask of people. I suppose I don't ask for much. I haven't thought about that. Or maybe I ask too much. but what? All my life I had to learn things on my own. I didn't have anyone teach me by saying; I had to learn and figure them out on my own - by experience, feeling, touching, being judged etc. Life is a puzzle with a bunch of missing pieces that you find along the way. Being judged was a big part of my life I guess. All my life, whether in front of friends/family/judges. whatever. everywhere. It doesn't matter if words didn't come out of my mouth. People are quick to judge just by looking at you. Looking at you up and down. Damn wandering eyes. I wonder if that is why I am not quick to judge people.
I really want this relationship to work out. I would be really upset if it didn't. I'm sorry I'm really bad at connecting sometimes. I understand but never give feedback. Well, I guess I could say this about all relationships.
Maybe I am just always paranoid; when I walk I'm always the one to look behind me or be really cautious. subjectify. objectify.
Next quarter should be fine. I don't have school on fridays. The only thing that would suck is tuesdays when I have Popular Culture; the class sounds awesome but it's from 5:30 to 8:20 PM!!! I should get a new ID so I can use the pool at Marshall's and then running with Will. In return teaching Will music. That makes me feel good. Running will make me feel better about myself. I need a job, I don't mind doing hard labor. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I am still lost. I worry too much. I thought things would fall into place.
sometimes i feel like a fucking dumbass. i'm not quick on my feet. i can't think fast enough. i mean i get things. i can't articulate fast enough in my head. okay well i can...but people just say things too fast or go on about something else before i can say it? it's not that i dont trust you. i say "yeah", "uh-huh" to a lot of people except for a couple of friends. but i feel like when we (my friends) talk it's nothing intellectual. it's just a bunch of nonsense. i know that conversations should be back and forth. with responses and stuff. maybe i'm faster when i'm writing.
i wish people would slow down sometimes. give me a second before you go on another paragraph. like, when i read...i usually have to read the paragraph like three times. i'm just fucking dumb. when people talk to me i usually never respond. i know you dont like it. i have to work on it. i've never had to expand on things that i agreed or didn't agreed too. well maybe things i didn't agreed too was easier for me to expand on. but when i did agree i just say "yes" in class, i remember i used to always go on about things when i agreed or didn't agree and someone in class said that i waste too much class time. i think that was it for me.
hormones freak me out. haha.
well, onto worthless crap about my life hung out with paullin yesterday. too much screaming. my brain hurts. not my throat hahah. went to her friend's birthday party. crazy girl named mary jane. haha. she was funny. cute high school kids. awww. they probably would have been my friends if i were in high school. then we went to clackamas. traffic traffic traffic. videos hahah. me and paullin's lives on camera. not very exciting but surprising. then we went to Will's and watched a shitty ass movie. hahah. what the fuck. the cover didn't even match the movie. oh god. horrible sound effects, music, etc. hahaha. oh and gay sex. paullin took it quite well. haha.
i'm too fucking worried about what people think of me. i'm afraid of being wrong. or looked down upon. it's happened to me before....a lot. so shouldn't i be sensitized? that isn't hte word to use.
the lives of sheltered people.
i dont know, i've been pretty upset about myself the last couple of days. i probably shouldn't be so upset or something. i can't sleep when i think too fucking much. i can't communicate well. i'm fucking awkward. it throws people off. people can't trust me. i'm not confident enough. i dont even fucking know myself i guess.
man, fuck myself.
i need to work on things. just saying what comes to mind.
i feel like i got dumber in like middle school. probably 7th grade with all this mindfuck stuff. it turned into a one track mind. i dont know about what. i didn't think that much or care. well i did think and care ... about things that didn't really matter. i didn't absorb myself into things. i guess it was like being a brick wall. i dont know. it's like, if you read a book and you just read it but don't make connections or absorb yourself into it. you read it just to say that you read it but you didn't know what it was about? do you get what i'm saying?
look, i think when you tell me your thoughts they are important. i do care. i think they are interesting and they sometimes give me a new perspective. maybe you're too intelligent for me. i dont know. that wont make me alienate you or push you away. i would never do that to someone.
i need a fucking dictionary.
i wonder why you're attracted to me. i hope it's not because of the way i look because that would cause some problems.
agh, i dont knwo what to do with myself. punch me please. my memory sucks. help me.
i'm just...average. my head. fuck why do i have to be like everyone else?
validation. you dont get any unless you're attractive. or really dont have much to say....well you do have stuff to say except it's really just worthless things in your head that no one should really care about.
